The pain of betrayal never quite fades. In my type of situation something always rips the wound open.
I wonder how "people in power" decide to turn from me. Do they think about it before they do it, or do they purse their lips and flippantly toss me to the garbage?
They aren't cowards, at least I don't think so. Maybe they're just people that love an idea more than they love people. In many cases their own ideas of powerlessness makes them powerless.
Actually I haven't a clue. It all makes me very sad and very tired.
People are sheep. Fucking sheep. They bleet and cower, haven't the sense to be afraid of the things they ought to be frightened of. Their own idiocies make them mutton. How I despise what they do! How I love them!
How I wish I could be saved from my own feelings. I could purge myself and make myself stone, pull a Jeffers. It's rock and Hawk, not a soft mop. But there I am, whispering to the floor where quiet feet patter. I'm soft like butter, rushing to mop up messes. It makes me very, very tired. Damn this situation.
I feel defeated, sick at heart. I do. Why are people so awful? So apathetic, bleary eyed? Oh. Just fuck them. I want to turn from it all.
This is why love is the ultimate killer. It is love, not hate, that has the power to rip a heart out.
If some dude with horns and fireballs erupting from his eyeballs hurt me, I'd laugh and fight back. But how do you begin to fight someone you love? HOW?!?!
Somebody please tell me. I'm open to suggestions.
