E & J.B. Young Co.

I've only found one picture of a similar book. Here: http://sdrc.lib.uiowa.edu/lucile/publishers/young/YOUNG.HTM

Here's your evidence. Now you can pretend that I never existed.

My philosophy teacher is a moron.

So I'm hashing out what I need from him. I need the credits. I'm not learning anything from him. I'm paying for the credits. I don't care about the grades, I hypothetically have enough high-profile recommendations to scooch myself into a mediocre graduate school position.

So let's face it. I'm going to spend as little time interacting with my teacher as possible. I am not going to ream him out for philosophizing about whether or not women are lying when they say they've been raped. I'm going to take my Xanax, read the material with my middle finger perpetually wagging, and write unflinchingly boring papers while soundly cussing him out the entire time.

My hope is that I'll spend less than ten hours to finish the course. That should get me a C.

I've had a very frustrating last few days. What I do when I'm frustrated is zone out. Right now it is my video game which allows me to do that.

But then I ignore everything else, which is problematic. Especially when I'm in school. I was a week and a half ahead so I could concentrate on Guatemala when I got there, so I'm still going strong. I'll be okay. But I'm back on the hamster track.

I've done alot of thinking about where I want to go with my writing. Watching friends of mine go through hard times when their works become famous, and knowing how personal and psychological my writing is, I don't really want to put it out there anymore. At least not in my name.

I don't want people to know who I am. I want to hide. I guess some creative work which plushes out my resume in applying for work or graduate school would be nice, but the stuff that really belongs to me, I want it to stay that way.

You may also have noticed that I've stopped writing so much about sex abuse in the SDA church. Aside from wanting to blow my brains out every time I think about it or talk about it, I want to be known as me. Just me. Or even not known. Anonymity is precious. I could certainly handle pulling my blinds and becoming a hermit in Montana. Like the una-bomber, eh? (except, without the killing/hurting people part.)

Regardless, I'll keep talking about it. The church won't get to put me under the carpet. I'm still here. I'll be here for as long as there is an issue of church irresponsibility, cover ups and treating victims badly.

“Humiliate people for long enough and a wilderness bursts out of them.”


-Salman Rushdie

Drunk.

So yes, I'm drunk. Thus, the posts.

Dekalog gives me hope in mankind. I love Zbigniew Preisner, I think his muzyka in Dekalog V is the best of any of his works. I know I'll be angry at myself if I don't take some of my money and move to Poland to become fluent in the language.

The bit where Jaceck is executed is pretty self-explanatory, and so is the bit with Piotr, the lawyer. Piotr is who I was looking for when I went lawyer-hunting. I think I found him.

"Life is complicated." Kieslowski said his moral from the ten is to live carefully, with your eyes open. Nothing more.

This one is the first part of the first dekalog.

The Anti-humanist

The more I live, the more I agree with Jeffers.

Not Man Apart
Then what is the answer?- Not to be deluded by dreams.
To know that great civilizations have broken down into violence,
and their tyrants come, many times before.
When open violence appears, to avoid it with honor or choose
the least ugly faction; these evils are essential.
To keep one's own integrity, be merciful and uncorrupted
and not wish for evil; and not be duped
By dreams of universal justice or happiness. These dreams will
not be fulfilled.
To know this, and know that however ugly the parts appear
the whole remains beautiful. A severed hand
Is an ugly thing and man dissevered from the earth and stars
and his history... for contemplation or in fact...
Often appears atrociously ugly. Integrity is wholeness,
the greatest beauty is
Organic wholeness, the wholeness of life and things, the divine beauty
of the universe. Love that, not man
Apart from that, or else you will share man's pitiful confusions,
or drown in despair when his days darken.

-- Robinson Jeffers

More and more I agree with Spinoza, whom I really understand only with a Giles Deluezian dummy-translation. That God is whatever is unchangeable, and what is really unchangeable?

(Does that mean that the closed-minded stubborn jerks of the world are indeed God, or do they just think they're God?)

Ugh. I know nothing. But Jeffers gives me comfort.