A change in Blogging.

It has come to my attention that the church's lawyers are watching my blog as well as watching me in every other way that they can. Apparently they are upset that I'm speaking out, along with some other things which they aren't at fault for but has to do with misunderstandings on my part.

It has also become glaringly evident that love is simply not in the picture where they are concerned, or if it is, it's buried under layers and layers of beauracracy. My hope is that they change. But that hope is rooted in between two rocks I hope it will one day spurt free of: knowledge that "I" can't change anyone, and that attempts to live my life based on what others "should" do is simply not smart. I need to live my life right now based on what "I" can do and should do.

This blog was never meant as a medium to argue with the church or point out their wrongs, and I'm not in any way ready to become a public face for sexual abuse in the SDA church. However, this is a role both my blog and I have fallen into. I'm still grappling with that. I don't expect to morph like worm to butterfly, and suddenly be wise and smart, and as a struggling young woman, know exactly what to say and when to say it, so I'll continue, in perfect NLD/autistic comportment, to put my foot in my mouth and piss powerful, well-paid people off. I'm afraid that's constitutional, guys.

My genuine way of life, whether naivete or stupidity or whatever is non-violent. I believe in conflict-resolution as a spiritual, non-violent path. Gandhi is my hero, although I disagree with him on a multitude of issues. I have struggled in many ways with how to apply non-violent (does that mean no lawsuits, no bouts of anger, no yelling? Is it silence or is speech? If I hurt the "other side" have I transgressed or simply done what is necessary?) belief in this situation, and still struggle with it. I am young, still forming in many ways, and don't know much of anything.

But I still think love is possible here, I think it can win out. But one of the things I've been taught (by an incredible and giving mentor who spent so much time writing me and reassuring and encouraging me and telling me I was a talented writer while I was going through the lawsuit) is that different people do different things in the name of love, just as they do with the Bible and the Qu'uran and various ideas of God.

I have no idea what to do next, but I know I can't remain silent. So I'm slowly coming out again after being threatened, etc. This hurts beyond words, but I HAVE to give it words, if only out of love, because it is truly my one guiding light here. I am here to stay.

Some of my best friends were also raped by Scott. You CANNOT shut me up, I would rather die.

A warning to those who have friended me: The SDA church is extremely unhappy with me and have a history of picking on my friends when I turn the heat up. If you are on my list there is a chance that you will be harangued and subpoenaed. They are watching this blog, and anyone connected to it. I won't be insulted if you ask that I stay away from you in this medium. Essentially, if you comment here, you're putting a bullseye on your forehead.

I have alot of things to change in myself and on this blog to prepare for the difficulties inherent in speaking out. I feel unprepared for this. I landed here in a way that pisses me off. But I'm here, I won't be quiet. I can't live with myself if I don't do the right thing here, and I'll do the right thing as best as I know how. I'll make mistakes, surely, but I'll keep on plugging along.

In my wedding vows I promised Robert to always try, to not go the suicide route, as I also promised my lawyers, Kelly Clark, Steve Crew, and Kristian Roggendorf. Further, I promise here to keep talking, to not just "survive" but survive and live life to the best of my ability. I'm also promising that to the SDA church and those that represent the church. I won't lay in front of the East Salem church, feet from where I was sodomized, dead in a red and gold coffin with a bullet in my head like some beautiful souls have. I promise you.